How do I ever trust her again after her two affairs

Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

Today, 07:28 AM	? #1 (permalink)
Registered User ? Join Date: Dec 2012 Posts: 7	My wife and I have been together almost 30 years and a month ago she told me that she didn't want to be married anymore (it was the old "I still love you but I'm not in love with you and it's not you, it's me). She said that we had grown apart and that she couldn't see spending the rest of her life with me. A week later she admitted to having an affair that had been ongoing for six months (he lived in another city but they both traveled on business and would meet up in different cities to spend nights together). I happened to see her phone one day and found a 40 message text thread. They claimed to love each other and were definitely sexually involved. He found out that I found out who he was when I Googled him and read his profile on LinkedIn (at which time he ended the relationship with my wife because he didn't want his wife to find out). My wife was pissed at me because I looked at her phone and that he ended their affair so abruptly. She also said that the affair had nothing to do with why she wanted to end our marriage (I think perhaps it emboldened her to want to move on and enjoy life as a single woman). We went for couples' counseling and in our second session, my wife also admitted to a one night stand several years ago (but claimed that it didn't mean anything as it was only a one night stand). When the therapist asked if she had any other intimate relationships with other guys, my wife said that she had lots of opportunities, but only did it with these two guys. We just separated a week ago and are trying to figure things out (my wife has said that she's not sure if moving on is the right thing and that she may be making the biggest mistake of her life). I hate her for what she's done to me (and to our family) and that she could be so uncaring for our relationship as to sleep with two other guys (one of whom she was sleeping with for six months and claimed to love). The problem is that I still love her more than life itself and think that I may be able to get past what she's done because we have almost 30 years invested in our relationship. I think I can forgive her but know that I will never forget what she did. HOW CAN I EVER TRUST HER AGAIN. My wife has always been a very selfish person. It's always been about her, and what she wants. Even if we get past all of this and reconcile, how do I ever trust her again. If she's working late in the city, traveling on business, or has a dinner meeting - how do I know that she hasn't slipped into another affair or is screwing some random guy? I am the jealous type and this is driving me crazy. She now tells me that she is sorry that she told me the truth about her affair and her one night stand (apparently lying came easy to her). No matter how good things are with her in the future, I will always have that nagging doubt in my mind. She tells me that she had the affair because she was filling a void. She's a narcissist and needs constant adoration by others (she has told me so many times over the years how many guys have hit on her because she is so beautiful and successful). I worry that no matter what I do to make her happy, that some guy will smile at her, tell her wonderful things, and they will end up in bed together. I think it will drive me crazy for the rest of my life. Should I move on? Is it possible to ever trust her again? The logical side of me says end the relationship and find someone who will be much more of a giver (my wife has always been a taker). The romantic side of me says I've loved her for 30 years and even though I know it's crazy, I can't stop. I need advice as I'm really on the fence.
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Today, 08:00 AM	? #7 (permalink)
Member ? Join Date: Jul 2012 Location: Marietta, Georgia Posts: 973	Quote: We have been living in separate bedrooms for the past three weeks and she just moved to her own apartment last weekend. I won't rat the other guy out to his wife as she's done nothing wrong (and it's not my place to make her miserable). There are other issues with the two of them but as long as it's over (and I'm sure it is) - it's no longer an issue. I agree that my wife checked out a long time ago (she said that this has been a long time in coming) and that she must have so little respect for me to be able to easily do this with the long term affair partner (after she admitted the affair to me but before I found out the details, she would text him right in front of me and when I'd complain and tell her that she needed to end the affair , she'd tell me not to push her to make a choice as I wouldn't like the choice that she would make). I know I allowed myself to be a doormat for her but love makes you do funny things. Expos to other man's wife. If you want her to respect you, you need to expose, and you think you 'don't want to make her miserable' thats a lie. You just don't want to have to take action, but please don't tell yourself and try to spin it like your silence is doing that woman any favors or anything. Her marriage is most likely crap, just that she doesn't know the exact reason WHY it is. You need to expose. Puts your wife in her place, helps OMW, and gains you respect. If you want to hide their affair then all you are doing is assisting them as their accomplice.
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Today, 08:11 AM	? #9 (permalink)
Member ? Join Date: Sep 2012 Posts: 754	Quote: My wife and I have been together almost 30 years and a month ago she told me that she didn't want to be married anymore (it was the old "I still love you but I'm not in love with you and it's not you, it's me). She said that we had grown apart and that she couldn't see spending the rest of her life with me. I got pretty much the same thing, your marriage is over A week later she admitted to having an affair that had been ongoing for six months (he lived in another city but they both traveled on business and would meet up in different cities to spend nights together). I happened to see her phone one day and found a 40 message text thread. They claimed to love each other and were definitely sexually involved. He found out that I found out who he was when I Googled him and read his profile on LinkedIn (at which time he ended the relationship with my wife because he didn't want his wife to find out). My wife was pissed at me because I looked at her phone and that he ended their affair so abruptly. She also said that the affair had nothing to do with why she wanted to end our marriage (I think perhaps it emboldened her to want to move on and enjoy life as a single woman). Tell his wife anyway, fvck him up. Nobody gets to fvck your wife and get away with it. TELL EVERYONE, family friends, etc., embarrass the sh!t out of her. Do it now so you can say you were very upset at the time instead of trickling. Maybe she will wake up, but doubtful. We went for couples' counseling and in our second session, my wife also admitted to a one night stand several years ago (but claimed that it didn't mean anything as it was only a one night stand). When the therapist asked if she had any other intimate relationships with other guys, my wife said that she had lots of opportunities, but only did it with these two guys. It is what she admits to, there could very well be more, but who knows. We just separated a week ago and are trying to figure things out (my wife has said that she's not sure if moving on is the right thing and that she may be making the biggest mistake of her life). I hate her for what she's done to me (and to our family) and that she could be so uncaring for our relationship as to sleep with two other guys (one of whom she was sleeping with for six months and claimed to love). The biggest mistake was already made. Now release your anger, file for divorce. If she isn't falling all over herself RIGHT NOW trying to make things right, she ain't gonna make things right. You are setting yourself up to be her plan B. Maybe forcing her hand will wake her the fvck up, but I doubt it will. The problem is that I still love her more than life itself and think that I may be able to get past what she's done because we have almost 30 years invested in our relationship. I think I can forgive her but know that I will never forget what she did. Same with me, but there is such a thing as tough love. Release her to see if she comes back. HOW CAN I EVER TRUST HER AGAIN. My wife has always been a very selfish person. It's always been about her, and what she wants. Even if we get past all of this and reconcile, how do I ever trust her again. If she's working late in the city, traveling on business, or has a dinner meeting - how do I know that she hasn't slipped into another affair or is screwing some random guy? I am the jealous type and this is driving me crazy. She now tells me that she is sorry that she told me the truth about her affair and her one night stand (apparently lying came easy to her). Good luck with that one, I can't. Tell her you have demands if she wants to R. If she baulks at any of them, it's time for you to D. You have to force HER hand. She will show you immediately. My wife wanted me to work for her. Someone who wants back in will work for you. No matter how good things are with her in the future, I will always have that nagging doubt in my mind. She tells me that she had the affair because she was filling a void. She's a narcissist and needs constant adoration by others (she has told me so many times over the years how many guys have hit on her because she is so beautiful and successful). I worry that no matter what I do to make her happy, that some guy will smile at her, tell her wonderful things, and they will end up in bed together. I think it will drive me crazy for the rest of my life. [B]I assume you are at least 50 years old. It was easier for me because I am younger. Starting over sucks, but with the internet, a little working out and new clothes, you will be up to your eyeballs in poon in no time. Chicks are digging me already and I am not even divorced yet. The same will hold true for you as long as you aren't a pu$$y about it.[/B] Should I move on? Is it possible to ever trust her again? The logical side of me says end the relationship and find someone who will be much more of a giver (my wife has always been a taker). The romantic side of me says I've loved her for 30 years and even though I know it's crazy, I can't stop. I can't make the decision for you, but it sure looks like you will have your work cut out for you. File for divorce out of the blue. Tell her she has hurt you deeply and if she wants to truly work on us, she will have months to do so. The marriage is not over until the papers are signed. Stop telling her you love her, no pet names either, no affection. Do the 180, it works for you and could bring her back, but don't count on it. I need advice as I'm really on the fence. Get off the fence and make her work for you now, or just sh!tcan it all. She will show her true intentions eventually. Remember this, a 50 year old woman cheater has a much worse chance on her own that a man like you. You will be swimming in chicks and she will be cast aside. Just wear a condom. The largest growing STD population is in your age group. Last edited by Carlton; Today at 08:20 AM.
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Today, 08:19 AM	? #11 (permalink)
Member ? Join Date: Sep 2012 Posts: 754	Quote: I won't rat the other guy out to his wife as she's done nothing wrong (and it's not my place to make her miserable). There are other issues with the two of them but as long as it's over (and I'm sure it is) - it's no longer an issue. I know I allowed myself to be a doormat for her but love makes you do funny things. TELL THE OM's WIFE NOW. Do it or you will regret it later. I will put money down that the affair will start again, at least she thinks it will. The OM obviously doesn't want her to know, he will probably try to save his marriage like you are, and really kick your wife to the curb. They are lying in wait right now. Even if he does leave his wife for her, you aren't losing anything but a cheating spouse. She will cheat on him too. STOP BEING A DOORMAT. Grown some nuts, NOW!!!! I know it is tough, but everyone here sees exactly what is going on. You see through your own clouded lovey eyes. It has happened a million times before and will a million times more. All of these people here know what they are doing. File now, so you can be rid of her sooner and cruise for chicks. OR, get her back on board sooner. P.S. When you expose and she gets mad at you for telling his wife, you know she is gone and is playing you. Last edited by Carlton; Today at 08:23 AM.
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Today, 08:33 AM	? #12 (permalink)
Member ? Join Date: May 2012 Location: Michigan Posts: 3,311	Quote: We have been living in separate bedrooms for the past three weeks and she just moved to her own apartment last weekend. I won't rat the other guy out to his wife as she's done nothing wrong (and it's not my place to make her miserable). There are other issues with the two of them but as long as it's over (and I'm sure it is) - it's no longer an issue. I agree that my wife checked out a long time ago (she said that this has been a long time in coming) and that she must have so little respect for me to be able to easily do this with the long term affair partner (after she admitted the affair to me but before I found out the details, she would text him right in front of me and when I'd complain and tell her that she needed to end the affair , she'd tell me not to push her to make a choice as I wouldn't like the choice that she would make). I know I allowed myself to be a doormat for her but love makes you do funny things. You say you don't want to make his wife miserable. So, you let it go, let him live a lie, ready to hop in the sack with some other woman. You have no idea what this man has been exposed to in the past. You really have no idea if your wife has told the entire truth about how many other men she has slept with. She could have picked something up and passed it to you or even to the OM without knowing it. Or, the OM could have done the same thing to your wife or his wife. The OMW needs to be aware of what a POS her husband is. And it's very possible she DOES know, and just doesn't have the PROOF because he was deleting everything. She deserves to know what she's married to. As Kasler pointed out, it's about respect. What the OMW does with the information is up to her, but you need to tell her, if for no other reason than that she can get tested for STDs, which he could very well have brought home to her. Tell the woman. Personally, I'd be LIVID if someone knew my husband was cheating and didn't say anything to me because they felt "it isn't my place to tell." That's a cop out.
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Today, 08:34 AM	? #13 (permalink)
Member ? Join Date: Aug 2012 Location: Britain Posts: 1,297	Quote: TELL THE OM's WIFE NOW. Do it or you will regret it later. I will put money down that the affair will start again, at least she thinks it will. The OM obviously doesn't want her to know, he will probably try to save his marriage like you are, and really kick your wife to the curb. They are lying in wait right now. Even if he does leave his wife for her, you aren't losing anything but a cheating spouse. She will cheat on him too. STOP BEING A DOORMAT. Grown some nuts, NOW!!!! I know it is tough, but everyone here sees exactly what is going on. You see through your own clouded lovey eyes. It has happened a million times before and will a million times more. All of these people here know what they are doing. File now, so you can be rid of her sooner and cruise for chicks. OR, get her back on board sooner. P.S. When you expose and she gets mad at you for telling his wife, you know she is gone and is playing you. Awesome post! __________________ If you press me to say why I loved him, I can say no more than because he was he, and I was I. Michel de Montaigne
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Today, 08:41 AM	? #14 (permalink)
Member ? Join Date: Feb 2010 Posts: 266	HbtW, Similar story here... at 30 years marriage, find out my wife has been serially cheating for the last 6+ years of marriage, the last was her new "soul mate" and was planning to leave for Fantasy Island el pronto. A major concern you have... Trust. In truth, you will never fully trust your wife again regardless of R or D. That being said, you can still have a relationship. If you R, you get to join us in the "Trust and Verify Brigade." Just the way it is. Memories... Honest, you will never forget. Her betrayal is now apart of your marriage. Whether you can live with it (the 800 pounder in the corner)... only time knows. In 6 months to a year or two you will be given your answer. There just no crystal ball when it comes to R. Lastly, stop with the "Man Law" bs and expose the OM today. I sense you somewhat worry/concern that it will make your wife mad and she will react. Do you understand... you need to know exactly her reaction to this exposure. It will give you an idea of the "Trust" that you wonder about. Regardless, would you wanted to be in the dark if the roles were reversed.
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